If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
“Why don’t they just leave?” It’s one of the most common questions people ask about domestic violence, and one of the most painful for survivors to hear. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may have asked yourself the same thing. You may know something is wrong and still feel stuck, unsure of where you’d go, what would happen to your children, or whether anyone would believe you.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this year’s national theme, “With Survivors, Always,” calls on communities to move from awareness to action as survivors face growing barriers to safety (National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, 2026). Understanding those barriers is an important first step. Below, we’ll walk through the most common reasons leaving is so hard, how these challenges affect your mental health, and how you can get support, whether or not you’re ready to leave.
Leaving Is a Process, Not a Moment
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a single decision. Many people leave and return several times before they leave for good (Office on Women’s Health, 2021). Each attempt can bring new information, resources, and confidence. If you’ve gone back before, it doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re dealing with real obstacles that deserve real support.
Common Barriers to Leaving
People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, and most people face more than one at the same time (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Here are some of the most common:
Fear for Your Safety
Fear is one of the biggest reasons people stay, and that fear is often justified. Leaving can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. A major study of intimate partner homicide found that the risk was highest when a person left a highly controlling partner after living together (Campbell et al., 2003). You may also fear threats against your children, pets, or family (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c; American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). This is why safety planning matters. Leaving safely often takes preparation, and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Fear of Losing Your Children
For many parents, the fear of losing their children is the hardest barrier of all. An abusive partner may threaten to take the children, fight for custody, or report you to child protective services if you leave (DomesticShelters.org, 2023). You may also worry about uprooting your children or breaking up the family (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). It may help to know that in California, if a court finds that a parent has committed domestic violence within the past five years, the law presumes that giving that parent custody is not in the child’s best interest (Cal. Fam. Code § 3044). Every situation is different, so talking with a family law attorney or legal aid organization can help you understand your rights before you make decisions.
Stigma and Shame
Many survivors feel ashamed, embarrassed, or responsible for the abuse. An abusive partner may shift the blame onto you until you start to believe it. You may worry about what friends, family, coworkers, or your community will think if they find out (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c; American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Stigma can keep people silent for years. But abuse is never your fault, and there is no shame in asking for help.
Being Met with Doubt by Police
Some survivors are afraid to involve the police, and some have already had difficult experiences when they did. In a national survey of women who contacted the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 59% of those who had never called the police said they feared officers wouldn’t believe them or wouldn’t do anything. Among women who had called, 1 in 3 said they felt less safe afterward, and 43% felt the police had discriminated against them (Logan & Valente, 2015). If you’ve been doubted before, it can make reaching out again feel pointless. Your experience is still valid. Domestic violence advocates can help you understand your options, including protective orders and other legal steps, and can support you through the process (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Money and Housing
Financial abuse is one of the most common and least talked-about barriers. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (2018), 99% of survivors experience financial abuse. A partner may control your money, keep you from working, or ruin your credit, leaving you without the resources to find housing or support yourself and your children (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c).
Isolation
Over time, an abusive partner may cut you off from friends, family, and other sources of support (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). Without people to turn to, it can feel like you have nowhere to go and no one who understands.
Love, Hope, and Mixed Feelings
You may still love your partner and remember who they were at the beginning of the relationship. You may hope that things will change, especially after apologies or good days (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Caring about someone who hurts you is confusing and painful, but it’s also very human. Mixed feelings don’t mean you deserve to be hurt.
Cultural, Religious, and Immigration Concerns
Family, cultural, or religious expectations can create pressure to keep the relationship together (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Some survivors also face language barriers or threats related to their immigration status, which California law recognizes as a form of coercive control (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320).
Barriers Men Face
Men face many of the same obstacles to leaving, as well as some that are unique to them. Male survivors may worry that no one will believe them, that their experience will be brushed off or treated as a joke, or that there are no resources available to them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Many men also fear how leaving will affect their relationship with their children. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, your safety matters, and support is available to you.
How These Barriers Affect Your Mental Health
Living with abuse while feeling trapped can take a serious toll. Survivors are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Feeling stuck can also lead to hopelessness or the belief that things will never change.
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911. These feelings are a response to an incredibly difficult situation, not a reflection of your worth.
You Don’t Have to Leave to Get Help
Getting support doesn’t require you to make any big decisions right away. You can reach out while you’re still in the relationship, while you’re thinking about leaving, or after you’ve left. A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Domestic violence advocates, legal aid organizations, and mental health providers can all help you take the next step when you’re ready.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, judgment-free space to talk through what you’re facing. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your right to make your own decisions, and never pressure you to leave before you’re ready (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Planning for Safety
Your therapist can help you build a safety plan, think through your options, and connect you with domestic violence advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and rebuild your confidence.
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
If You’re Supporting Someone Who Hasn’t Left
If someone you love is in an abusive relationship, try to replace “Why don’t you just leave?” with “I’m here for you, no matter what you decide.” Avoid blaming or pressuring them, and keep showing up even if they stay or go back. Ending your relationship with them removes one of their safe places (Office on Women’s Health, 2021).
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you feel trapped, afraid, or unsure of your options, or if you’ve tried to leave before and feel discouraged. You can also reach out if you’ve already left and are struggling with the aftermath. You don’t need to have a plan or be ready to leave to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I don’t feel safe in my relationship, and I don’t know what to do.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, explore your options, and take steps toward safety and healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Do People Go Back to an Abusive Partner?
People return for many reasons, including fear, financial pressure, concern for their children, lack of housing, and hope that things will change. Going back is common and doesn’t mean someone wants to be hurt. Each attempt to leave can build knowledge and confidence for the next.
Will I Lose Custody of My Children If I Leave?
Many parents worry about this, and abusive partners sometimes use it as a threat. In California, courts presume that awarding custody to a parent who has committed domestic violence is not in the child’s best interest. Because every case is different, a family law attorney or legal aid organization can help you understand your rights. This article is not legal advice.
What If the Police Didn’t Believe Me Before?
That experience can be discouraging and painful, but you still deserve to be heard. Domestic violence advocates can help you explore options such as protective orders and can support you through legal processes.
Is It Really More Dangerous to Leave?
Leaving can be a higher-risk time, especially with a very controlling partner. That doesn’t mean you should stay. It means leaving safely often takes planning, and advocates and providers can help you prepare.
Do I Have to Leave My Partner to Get Help?
No. You can start therapy whether you’re staying, thinking about leaving, or have already left. Your provider will respect your decisions and help you think through how to stay as safe as possible.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Cal. Fam. Code § 3044. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=FAM§ionNum=3044
Cal. Fam. Code § 6320. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=FAM§ionNum=6320
Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., Koziol-McLain, J., Block, C., Campbell, D., Curry, M. A., Gary, F., Glass, N., McFarlane, J., Sachs, C., Sharps, P., Ulrich, Y., Wilt, S. A., Manganello, J., Xu, X., Schollenberger, J., Frye, V., & Laughon, K. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089–1097. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089
DomesticShelters.org. (2023, November 28). What is coercive control? https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-coercive-control
Logan, T. K., & Valente, R. (2015). Who will help me? Domestic violence survivors speak out about law enforcement responses. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://vawnet.org/material/who-will-help-me-domestic-violence-survivors-speak-out-about-law-enforcement-responses
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Why people stay in an abusive relationship. https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (2018, August 6). Understanding what economic justice means to survivors. https://nnedv.org/latest_update/understanding-economic-justice-means-survivors
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence. (2026). DVAM 2026: With survivors, always. VAWnet. https://vawnet.org/material/dvam-2026-survivors-always
Office on Women’s Health. (2021, February 15). How to help a friend who is being abused. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
