If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Your partner has never hit you, but they check your phone, decide who you can see, and question every dollar you spend. You find yourself planning your day around their moods and asking permission for things you used to do without thinking. Over time, you may feel like you’re slowly disappearing, even if you can’t quite explain why.
What you may be experiencing is called coercive control, and it is a form of domestic violence. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, it’s important to understand that abuse isn’t always physical. Below, we’ll explain what coercive control is, the different forms it can take, how it affects your mental health, and how support can help you regain your sense of self.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). Instead of one single incident, it’s a series of actions that, over time, take away your freedom, independence, and sense of self. At its core, all domestic violence is about one person gaining or keeping power and control over a partner, and coercive control is that pattern in action (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d).
Coercive control can happen with or without physical violence. Many people living with it don’t recognize it as abuse because there are no bruises to point to. But the harm is real.
Coercive Control Is Domestic Violence
Coercive control isn’t just an unhealthy relationship dynamic. In California, it is recognized as a form of domestic abuse. In 2020, the state passed Senate Bill 1141, which added coercive control to California’s Family Code and allows survivors to describe it as evidence in family court (Rubio, 2020). Under California law, coercive control can be considered abuse when seeking a domestic violence restraining order, even when there has been no physical violence (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). Several other states have passed similar laws (Johnson, 2026).
The Different Forms of Coercive Control
Coercive control can look different in every relationship, and not every tactic is always present (DomesticShelters.org, 2023). Below are some of the most common forms, along with examples:
Isolation
Cutting you off from friends, family, and other sources of support so you depend more on your partner (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). For example, your partner might:
- Get upset or start an argument whenever you make plans with friends.
- Insist on spending all your free time together, leaving no room for anyone else.
- Criticize your family until it feels easier to stop seeing them.
Monitoring and Tracking
Watching or tracking where you go, who you talk to, and what you do (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320; National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d). For example, your partner might:
- Check your phone, texts, email, or social media without permission.
- Track your location through apps or demand photos to prove where you are.
- Call or text constantly when you’re apart and get angry if you don’t answer right away.
Controlling Your Daily Life
Making rules about everyday choices that should be yours to make (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320; DomesticShelters.org, 2023). For example, your partner might:
- Tell you what you can wear, eat, or how you should look.
- Decide when you can sleep, leave the house, or use the car.
- Expect you to ask permission for ordinary decisions.
Financial Control
Controlling money and resources so you can’t make independent choices (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320; National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d). For example, your partner might:
- Give you an allowance and demand receipts for every purchase.
- Keep you from working, sabotage your job, or take your paycheck.
- Open credit cards in your name or ruin your credit.
Degradation and Humiliation
Using constant criticism and put-downs to wear down your confidence until you start to blame yourself (DomesticShelters.org, 2023). For example, your partner might:
- Call you names or mock your appearance, intelligence, or abilities.
- Embarrass you in front of friends, family, or coworkers.
- Tell you no one else would ever want to be with you.
Gaslighting and Manipulation
Making you doubt your own memory, perceptions, or judgment (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d). For example, your partner might:
- Insist something didn’t happen when you clearly remember it did.
- Tell you that you’re “too sensitive” or “imagining things.”
- Shower you with affection or apologies when you try to leave, then return to the same behavior (DomesticShelters.org, 2023).
Threats and Intimidation
Using fear to pressure you into doing what they want or to keep you from doing something you have a right to do (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). For example, your partner might:
- Threaten to hurt you, themselves, your pets, or people you care about.
- Threaten to report your immigration status or reveal private information.
- Break things, punch walls, or use looks and gestures to scare you.
Depriving You of Basic Needs
Withholding what you need to stay healthy and safe (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320; National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d). For example, your partner might:
- Limit your access to food, sleep, or medication.
- Keep you from seeing a doctor or getting medical care.
- Take your phone, car keys, or ID so you can’t leave or get help.
Using Children
Using your children to control or threaten you (DomesticShelters.org, 2023; National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-e). For example, your partner might:
- Threaten to take the children or get custody if you leave.
- Undermine your parenting or turn the children against you.
- Use visits or exchanges to keep tabs on you.
Sexual and Reproductive Coercion
Pressuring or controlling your sexual choices or your decisions about pregnancy (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320). For example, your partner might:
- Pressure or guilt you into sex you don’t want.
- Tamper with birth control or refuse to use protection.
- Pressure you to become pregnant, or to continue or end a pregnancy.
Why Coercive Control Is So Hard to Recognize
Coercive control often starts slowly. Early on, constant texting might feel like attention, and jealousy might feel like love. Over time, the rules grow, and your world gets smaller. Because the controlling behavior is often mixed with affection and apologies, it can be hard to see the full pattern while you’re living in it (DomesticShelters.org, 2023).
You may find yourself walking on eggshells, silencing your opinions to avoid conflict, or feeling like you can’t make even small decisions without checking with your partner first. Those feelings are worth paying attention to.
Coercive Control Affects Men, Too
Anyone can experience coercive control, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Men may be told what to wear, who they can see, or how to spend their own money, just as women may (DomesticShelters.org, 2023). Yet men often face extra barriers to getting help. They may worry no one will believe them, that their experience will be brushed off, or that there are no resources for them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
If you’re a man experiencing coercive control, what’s happening to you is real, and it isn’t your fault. Abuse is about power and control, not physical size or strength, and you deserve support.
How Coercive Control Affects Mental Health
Living under constant control can wear you down, both emotionally and physically. Research shows that coercive control is linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression, and its effects on mental health are comparable to those of physical violence (Lohmann et al., 2024). Survivors may also experience anxiety, fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
You might feel like you’ve lost touch with who you were before the relationship, have trouble trusting your own judgment, or feel constantly on edge, even after the relationship has ended. These are common reactions to ongoing abuse, not signs of weakness, and they can get better with support.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, judgment-free space to make sense of what you’ve experienced. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your right to make your own decisions, and help you rebuild your confidence and sense of self (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and learn to trust yourself again.
Building a Safety Plan
Controlling behavior can sometimes escalate, especially when you start to set limits or try to leave. A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Your therapist can help you create one and connect you with domestic violence advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
A Note About Couples Counseling
If your partner is using coercive control, couples counseling is generally not recommended. Abuse isn’t a relationship problem that both partners create, and what you share in a session could be used against you later (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Individual therapy offers a safer place to focus on your own needs.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you feel like you need permission to live your own life, are afraid of how your partner will react, or no longer recognize yourself. You can also reach out if you’ve already left the relationship but are still struggling with its effects. You don’t need to be certain that what you’re experiencing is abuse, or be ready to leave, to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I feel like I’ve lost myself in my relationship, and I’d like to talk to someone.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, understand what you’ve been through, and take steps toward healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is Coercive Control Really Abuse If My Partner Has Never Hurt Me Physically?
Yes. Coercive control is a form of domestic violence, and in California it is recognized as abuse under the law. A pattern of control, fear, and isolation can be just as harmful as physical violence.
Isn’t Some Jealousy or Checking In Normal?
Healthy couples check in with each other and sometimes feel jealous. The difference is the pattern. In a healthy relationship, you feel free to make your own choices. With coercive control, you feel watched, restricted, or afraid of what will happen if you don’t comply.
Can Men Experience Coercive Control?
Yes. Coercive control can happen to anyone, in any type of relationship, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Men deserve the same support and safety as anyone else.
Do I Have to Leave My Partner to Get Help?
No. You can start therapy whether you’re staying, thinking about leaving, or have already left. Your provider will respect your decisions and help you think through how to stay as safe as possible.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
What If My Partner Checks My Phone or Computer?
Phones, computers, and browsing history can be monitored, and online activity can be hard to erase completely (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). If you’re worried, consider using a device your partner can’t access, such as a trusted friend’s phone, and clear your browser history after visiting websites about abuse.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Cal. Fam. Code § 6320. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=FAM§ionNum=6320
DomesticShelters.org. (2023, November 28). What is coercive control? https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-coercive-control
Johnson, R. S. (2026, October 20). The new state laws defining abuse without a single bruise. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-sue-me/202609/the-new-state-laws-defining-abuse-without-a-single-bruise
Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O’Donnell, M., & Felmingham, K. (2024). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-d). Types of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-e). Warning signs of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
Rubio, S. (2020, September 29). Governor Newsom signs Senator Rubio’s coercive control bill, increasing domestic violence protections [Press release]. California State Senate. https://sd22.senate.ca.gov/news/governor-newsom-signs-senator-rubios-coercive-control-bill-increasing-domestic-violence
