If you see or hear violence happening, call 911. You don’t have to give your name if you’re worried about your own safety (Office on Women’s Health, 2021). The National Domestic Violence Hotline also supports concerned friends and family 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or by chatting at thehotline.org (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
You’ve noticed the changes. Your sister cancels plans at the last minute. Your best friend seems nervous every time their phone buzzes. Your son makes excuses for the way his partner talks to him. You want to help, but every conversation seems to end the same way, and you’re left lying awake at night, worried about what might happen next.
Watching someone you love go through abuse can be one of the most painful and confusing experiences of your life. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to recognize not only survivors but also the people who love and support them. Below, we’ll talk about the feelings you may be carrying, how this experience can affect your own mental health, and how you can help your loved one while keeping both of you safe.
The Feelings No One Talks About
Most conversations about domestic violence focus on the person being abused, and they should. But the people around them are affected too. Research shows that friends and family members who support a loved one through abuse often experience fear, ongoing worry, anger, frustration, guilt, and helplessness (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). If you’re feeling any of these, you’re not alone, and your feelings make sense.
Helplessness
You may feel like you’re watching someone you love get hurt and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You can’t make their decisions for them, and that can leave you feeling powerless. Helplessness is one of the hardest parts of being a support person, but it doesn’t mean your support isn’t making a difference.
Anger
It’s natural to feel angry at the person causing harm. You may also feel angry at systems that don’t seem to help, or even at your loved one for staying or going back (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). Feeling angry doesn’t make you a bad friend or family member. It usually means you care deeply and want them to be safe.
Fear
You may be afraid of what could happen to your loved one, their children, or even yourself. Many supporters describe worry that lasts for months or even years, sometimes long after the relationship has ended (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). Some also worry that the abusive partner could retaliate against them for getting involved (Gregory, Williamson, & Feder, 2017).
Resentment and Guilt
Over time, you might start to resent how much this situation has taken over your life, or feel hurt when your loved one pulls away or defends their partner. At the same time, you may feel guilty for not noticing the abuse sooner or for needing a break (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). These mixed emotions can exist side by side, and having them doesn’t mean you love the person any less.
How Supporting a Loved One Can Affect Your Mental Health
Caring for someone in an abusive relationship can take a real toll. Supporters often report anxiety, sadness, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, and physical signs of stress like headaches, muscle tension, or chest tightness. Some develop symptoms of depression (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). Researchers describe this as a form of secondary or vicarious trauma, which is the emotional strain that comes from being close to someone else’s trauma (Gregory, Williamson, & Feder, 2017).
The relationship itself may also feel strained. You might argue more, feel shut out, or find yourself pulling back because it’s too painful to keep hearing about what’s happening (Gregory, Feder, et al., 2017). These are common reactions to an incredibly stressful situation, and they deserve care and attention too.
Why Your Loved One May Not Just Leave
One of the hardest things to understand from the outside is why someone stays. People remain in abusive relationships for many reasons, including fear of what their partner will do, shame, financial dependence, concern for their children, and love or hope that things will change (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c).
It’s also common for people to leave and return several times before they leave for good (Office on Women’s Health, 2021). Leaving is often a process, not a single moment. Your patience, steady presence, and support can be one of the most important things you offer.
How to Help Your Loved One
You can’t rescue someone from an abusive relationship, but you can be a safe person they can turn to. Here are some ways to help (Office on Women’s Health, 2021):
- Choose a private moment: Talk when you can be alone and uninterrupted, ideally in person.
- Share your concern without judgment: Explain what you’ve noticed and why you’re worried, and let them know you’ll support them no matter what they decide.
- Listen and believe them: Let them share at their own pace. Being heard without judgment can mean more than any advice.
- Offer specific help: Help with child care or transportation, or offer to go with them to appointments, an advocacy agency, or court.
- Help them plan for safety: Talk through packing important items, agreeing on a code word that signals danger, and choosing a safe meeting place if they need to leave quickly.
- Share resources: Let them know about the National Domestic Violence Hotline and local domestic violence programs.
- Stay connected: Keep showing up, even if they stay or go back. Encourage their other friendships and support systems.
What to Avoid
- Blaming or shaming: Avoid statements like “You just need to leave” or “Why do you keep going back?” (Office on Women’s Health, 2021).
- Giving ultimatums: Every adult has the right to make their own decisions. Ending your relationship with them removes one of their safe places (Office on Women’s Health, 2021).
- Confronting the abusive partner: Contacting the partner or posting about them online can make things more dangerous for your loved one (loveisrespect, n.d.).
- Sharing their story without permission: Talking to others about what they told you can break their trust and put them at risk.
Keeping Yourself and Your Loved One Safe
Your safety matters too. If you see or hear violence happening, call 911. You don’t have to give your name if you’re afraid for your own safety. If you’re worried about your loved one but they aren’t in immediate danger, you can ask local police to do a welfare check (Office on Women’s Health, 2021).
Be careful with how you communicate. Abusive partners may check phones, texts, and browsing history (Office on Women’s Health, 2021). Ask your loved one what’s safe before sending messages about the abuse, and let them choose how and when you talk. Avoid confronting the abusive partner yourself, since getting involved directly can put both of you at risk (loveisrespect, n.d.; Gregory, Williamson, & Feder, 2017).
Taking Care of Yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone through abuse is a marathon, not a sprint, and you’ll be better able to help if you take care of your own well-being. That might mean:
- Setting limits on how much time and energy you give, without feeling guilty.
- Reminding yourself that you are not responsible for your loved one’s choices or for fixing the situation.
- Talking with people you trust about how you’re feeling.
- Keeping up with sleep, movement, and activities that help you recharge.
- Reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for guidance as a concerned friend or family member (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
How Therapy Can Help You
Therapy offers a space that is just for you, where you can talk openly about your fear, anger, guilt, and grief without worrying about burdening your loved one. A therapist can help you:
- Make sense of the complicated emotions you’re feeling.
- Manage anxiety, sleepless nights, and constant worry.
- Set healthy boundaries while staying connected to your loved one.
- Plan how to respond when your loved one reaches out or returns to their partner.
- Process the stress and trauma of what you’ve witnessed.
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, or sleep problems, a psychiatric provider can also evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
Supporting Men in Abusive Relationships
Your loved one may be a son, brother, husband, or friend. Men can experience domestic violence too, but they often face extra barriers to getting help, including fear of not being believed or of having their experience brushed off (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). If someone you love is a man in an abusive relationship, the same support applies: listen, believe him, and let him know that what’s happening isn’t his fault.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if worry about your loved one is affecting your sleep, work, or relationships, if you feel constantly anxious or on edge, or if anger, guilt, or resentment feel hard to manage. You don’t have to wait until you’re overwhelmed. Getting support for yourself is not selfish. It helps you stay strong for the people you love.
Getting Support at PAWC
If you’re carrying the weight of a loved one’s abusive relationship, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “Someone I love is in an abusive relationship, and I don’t know how to cope.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space for you to be heard and find ways to care for yourself while supporting them. Our team can also support your loved one whenever they’re ready. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I Tell My Loved One to Leave?
It’s natural to want them to leave, but pressuring them can push them away. Instead, share your concerns, offer support, and respect that the decision is theirs. Leaving can also be a dangerous time, so safety planning matters.
What If They Go Back to Their Partner?
Many people leave and return several times before leaving for good. Try not to take it personally or withdraw your support. Staying connected keeps the door open for when they’re ready.
Should I Confront the Person Who Is Abusing Them?
No. Confronting the abusive partner, in person or online, can increase the danger for your loved one and for you. Focus your energy on supporting your loved one directly.
Is It Normal to Feel Angry at the Person I’m Trying to Help?
Yes. Many supporters feel frustrated or angry with their loved one at times, especially when they stay or return. These feelings are common and don’t mean you care any less. Therapy can help you work through them.
Can I Get Therapy Even If My Loved One Isn’t Ready for Help?
Yes. You can get support for yourself at any time, whether or not your loved one is ready to talk, get help, or leave.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
Find a provider · See accepted insurance · Contact us
References
Gregory, A., Feder, G., Taket, A., & Williamson, E. (2017). Qualitative study to explore the health and well-being impacts on adults providing informal support to female domestic violence survivors. BMJ Open, 7(3), Article e014511. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-014511
Gregory, A. C., Williamson, E., & Feder, G. (2017). The impact on informal supporters of domestic violence survivors: A systematic literature review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 18(5), 562–580. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838016641919
loveisrespect. (n.d.). Help a friend [Fact sheet]. https://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/Help_A_Friend.pdf
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). What to expect when you contact us. https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-expect-when-you-contact-us/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Why people stay in an abusive relationship. https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/
Office on Women’s Health. (2021, February 15). How to help a friend who is being abused. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
