If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
After the yelling stops, the apologies begin. Your partner cries, brings you flowers, and promises it will never happen again. They say they’ll get help, go to therapy, or stop drinking. For a while, things feel better, and you remember why you fell in love. Then, slowly or suddenly, the old patterns return. You’re left wondering, “Can they really change?”
It’s one of the most common questions people in abusive relationships ask, and one of the most painful. Hoping your partner will change is natural, especially when you love them and have seen their good side. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, we want to offer an honest look at what change really requires, how to tell the difference between promises and real progress, and how to protect yourself and your well-being while you decide what’s right for you.
Change Is Possible, But Only With Deep Commitment and Serious Ongoing Effort
People can change, but only if they truly want to and are committed to every part of the process. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, only a very small percentage of people who abuse their partners truly change their behavior (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Real change is not a quick fix. It’s a long, difficult process that takes years of consistent effort and accountability (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
That doesn’t mean your hope is foolish. It means hope alone isn’t enough, and it’s important to look closely at what your partner does, not just what they say.
Why Change Is So Difficult
Abuse isn’t a loss of control. It’s a pattern of behavior used to gain and keep power over a partner. Many people who abuse are able to stay calm with coworkers, friends, or the police, which shows that the behavior is a choice, not simply an anger problem (National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). Abusive behavior is often rooted in deeply held beliefs about entitlement and control, and those beliefs take serious work to change (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
Research reflects how hard this is. A major review of treatment programs for men who were violent toward their partners found that the programs had only small effects on reducing future violence (Babcock et al., 2004). Programs can help some people, but completing one doesn't guarantee change.
Promises vs. Real Change
What Empty Promises Can Look Like
Some abusive partners promise to change to keep their partner from leaving (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Be cautious if your partner:
- Apologizes and buys gifts, but the behavior returns.
- Says they’ll change only if you change something first.
- Blames the abuse on stress, alcohol, their childhood, or you.
- Agrees to get help only when you threaten to leave.
- Expects praise or credit for behaving well.
- Uses good days to excuse or minimize bad ones.
- Declares themselves “cured” after a short time.
Signs of Genuine Change
Real change takes time and shows up in consistent actions. Signs that a partner may truly be changing include (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b):
- Fully admitting what they did, without minimizing it.
- Stopping excuses and no longer blaming you or others.
- Accepting that abuse was a choice and taking full responsibility.
- Making amends and respecting your feelings, even when they don’t like them.
- Recognizing their controlling patterns and the beliefs behind them.
- Sharing power and decision-making, and handling conflict and anger differently.
- Accepting the consequences of their actions without blaming you or the children.
Change doesn’t mean perfection overnight. It means steady, consistent effort over a long period of time, without you having to push, remind, or manage them.
What Real Help Looks Like for an Abusive Partner
The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends that people who abuse their partners attend a certified batterer intervention program, which focuses on accountability, behavior change, and the beliefs behind abuse (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). In California, people convicted of domestic violence and placed on probation are generally required to complete a batterer’s program lasting at least 52 weeks (Cal. Penal Code § 1203.097).
Other kinds of help, such as anger management, substance use treatment, or individual mental health treatment, may be useful in addition to a batterer intervention program, but they aren’t enough on their own to stop abuse (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Couples counseling is generally not recommended when there is abuse in the relationship. Abuse isn’t a relationship problem that both partners create, and what you share in a session could be used against you later (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-e).
It’s Not Your Job to Change Them
Many people stay in abusive relationships hoping they can help, fix, or save their partner. But no one can change another person. Ultimatums, pleading, or pushing your partner into therapy are unlikely to stop the abuse (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Change is only possible if your partner admits their behavior is harmful, commits to stopping, and seeks help on their own (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
You also don’t have to stay in the relationship while your partner works on changing. You have the right to put your own safety and well-being first (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Focusing on what you can control in your own life isn’t giving up on your partner. It’s taking care of yourself (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
How Waiting for Change Affects Your Mental Health
Living in the cycle of hurt, apology, and hope can be exhausting. Each time things get better, you may feel relief and hope. Each time the abuse returns, you may feel crushed, confused, or ashamed for believing again. Over time, survivors are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
You might start to believe that if you were just a better partner, the abuse would stop. It won’t, because the abuse was never your fault. These feelings are common reactions to an incredibly confusing situation, and they can get better with support.
Protecting Yourself While You Decide
Whether you’re hoping things will change, unsure of what to do, or planning to leave, your safety matters. A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d). Keep in mind that the risk of serious harm can increase when a person leaves a highly controlling partner, which is why planning matters (Campbell et al., 2003).
Trust what you see over time more than what you hear in the moment. Stay connected to people who support you, and remember that you can reach out for help at any point.
Abuse Can Happen to Anyone
Abusive partners can be any gender, and survivors can be any gender. Men who are being abused may face extra barriers, including worry that no one will believe them or that there are no resources for them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Whoever you are, you deserve a relationship where you feel safe and respected.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, judgment-free space to sort through your hopes, fears, and options. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your right to make your own decisions, and never pressure you to stay or leave before you’re ready (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Making Sense of Mixed Feelings
Therapy can help you understand the cycle you’ve been living in, separate love from fear, and trust your judgment again.
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and rebuild your confidence.
Planning for Safety
Your therapist can help you build a safety plan and connect you with domestic violence advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
If You’re Worried About Your Own Behavior
If you recognize controlling or abusive behavior in yourself, acknowledging it is an important first step. Real change starts with taking full responsibility, without blaming your partner. Look into a certified batterer intervention program, and consider individual therapy as an added source of support (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Your partner is not responsible for helping you change, and respecting their decisions, including their decision to leave, is part of the process.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you keep hoping things will change but feel stuck in the same cycle, if you’re afraid of your partner, or if you’re losing confidence in your own judgment. You can also reach out if you’ve left and are struggling with doubt, grief, or guilt. You don’t need to have made any decisions to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “My partner keeps promising to change, and I don’t know what to believe.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, sort through your options, and take steps toward safety and healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Partner Apologized and Promised to Change. Should I Believe Them?
Apologies and promises are common after abuse, but they aren’t the same as change. Look for consistent actions over a long period of time, such as full accountability, no blaming, and participation in a certified batterer intervention program.
Will Couples Counseling Help?
Couples counseling is generally not recommended when there is abuse. It can put you at risk if your partner uses what you share against you. Individual therapy for you and a batterer intervention program for your partner are safer options.
My Partner Says the Abuse Is Caused by Stress, Drinking, or Anger. Is That True?
These factors can make situations worse, but they don’t cause abuse. Abuse is a choice about power and control. Treatment for anger, substance use, or mental health may help, but it isn’t enough on its own to stop abuse.
How Long Does Real Change Take?
Real change is a long-term process that can take years of consistent effort. A few good weeks or months isn’t enough to know whether lasting change has happened.
Do I Have to Stay While My Partner Works on Changing?
No. You have the right to put your safety and well-being first. You can support someone’s growth from a distance, or decide the relationship is no longer right for you.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
Find a provider · See accepted insurance · Contact us
References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Babcock, J. C., Green, C. E., & Robie, C. (2004). Does batterers’ treatment work? A meta-analytic review of domestic violence treatment. Clinical Psychology Review, 23(8), 1023–1053. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2002.07.001
Cal. Penal Code § 1203.097. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=PEN§ionNum=1203.097
Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., Koziol-McLain, J., Block, C., Campbell, D., Curry, M. A., Gary, F., Glass, N., McFarlane, J., Sachs, C., Sharps, P., Ulrich, Y., Wilt, S. A., Manganello, J., Xu, X., Schollenberger, J., Frye, V., & Laughon, K. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089–1097. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). “Can I save them?” https://www.thehotline.org/resources/can-i-save-them/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Is change possible in an abuser? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-change-possible-in-an-abuser/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-d). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-e). Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
National LGBT Health Education Center. (n.d.). Recognizing and addressing intimate partner violence in relationships of LGBTQ people: A primer for health centers. The Fenway Institute. https://www.lgbtqiahealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/TFIR-158_Intimate-Partner-Violence-Brief_web_spreads.pdf
