If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
“They were asleep.” “They’re too young to understand.” “We never fight in front of the kids.” Many parents in abusive relationships hope their children are protected from what’s happening at home. But children often see and hear far more than adults realize. They notice the shouting through the walls, the broken things in the morning, the bruises, and the tension that fills the house.
If you’re worried about how domestic violence has affected your children, that concern shows how much you love them. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, we want parents to understand how witnessing abuse affects children, what the long-term effects can be, and, most importantly, how children can heal with the right support.
How Many Children Are Exposed to Domestic Violence?
Children’s exposure to domestic violence is more common than many people think. A national study found that about 1 in 15 children were exposed to physical violence between their parents or caregivers in the past year, and nearly 1 in 5 had been exposed at some point in their lives. Among teens ages 14 to 17, more than 1 in 4 had been exposed (Hamby et al., 2011).
Most of these children didn’t just hear about the violence afterward. About 90% of children exposed to physical violence between their parents saw it happen with their own eyes (Hamby et al., 2011).
Children Don’t Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt
Even when children are never physically harmed, living with domestic violence affects them deeply. Children may see or hear the abuse, witness the injuries or damage afterward, or live with constant fear and tension in the home. A major review of research found that children who witness domestic violence have outcomes similar to children who are physically abused themselves (Kitzmann et al., 2003).
The CDC recognizes witnessing violence in the home as an adverse childhood experience (ACE), a potentially traumatic event that can affect a child’s development and health well into adulthood (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC], 2026).
How Domestic Violence Affects Children at Different Ages
Children react to domestic violence in different ways depending on their age and stage of development (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
Infants and Toddlers (Birth to 2)
Even very young children are affected. Babies and toddlers may become irritable, have trouble sleeping, fall behind in language or toilet training, become afraid of being alone, or have a hard time separating from a parent. Exposure can also disrupt a young child’s bond with their caregiver (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
Preschoolers (Ages 3 to 6)
Young children may witness more violence than any other age group. They may have tantrums, act aggressively, seem anxious, struggle to get along with others, or show signs of low self-esteem. Some research suggests that more than half of children 6 and under who are exposed to domestic violence show significant symptoms of post-traumatic stress (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
School-Age Children (Ages 6 to 12)
School-age children may struggle with friendships, bully others or be bullied, have trouble following rules, and feel sad or depressed. Many complain of stomachaches, headaches, or sleep problems, and their schoolwork often suffers. About half of children who witnessed domestic violence still showed symptoms of post-traumatic stress two years after their mother left the relationship (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
Teens (Ages 13 to 18)
Teens may repeat what they’ve seen at home in their own friendships and dating relationships. They may take more risks, act aggressively, or take on adult responsibilities like caring for younger siblings or protecting a parent. Teens in violent homes are about twice as likely to have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), experience higher rates of depression and anxiety, and may turn to nicotine, alcohol, or drugs to cope (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
Long-Term Outcomes for Children Who Grow Up Witnessing Domestic Violence
The effects of growing up with domestic violence can follow children into adulthood. Research shows that children exposed to domestic violence face a higher risk of:
- Mental health conditions: Rates of mental health problems can be up to four times higher among children exposed to domestic violence (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017). Adverse childhood experiences are also linked to depression and suicide later in life (CDC, 2026).
- Physical health problems: The ongoing stress of adverse childhood experiences can affect brain development, the immune system, and how the body handles stress. These experiences are linked to chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer in adulthood (CDC, 2026).
- Substance use: Teens exposed to domestic violence may use nicotine, alcohol, or other substances to cope, which can continue into adulthood (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
- Relationship violence: Children who grow up with domestic violence are more likely to experience or use violence in their own relationships as young adults, which can continue the cycle into the next generation (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
- Further abuse: Children exposed to domestic violence are at higher risk of experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse themselves (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017).
- School and work challenges: Adverse childhood experiences can affect education and employment opportunities later in life (CDC, 2026).
These Outcomes Are Not Destiny
It’s important to know that these are risks, not certainties. Many children who grow up with domestic violence go on to live healthy, happy lives and build safe, loving relationships. How children are affected depends in part on how the adults in their lives respond (National Children’s Advocacy Center, 2017). Safe, stable, and nurturing relationships are one of the most powerful ways to protect children and help them thrive (CDC, 2026). Your love, support, and willingness to get help can make a real difference.
Signs Your Child May Be Struggling
Every child is different, but you might notice:
- Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or fear of being alone.
- Regression, such as bedwetting or baby talk, in younger children.
- Anger, aggression, or frequent tantrums.
- Withdrawal, sadness, or loss of interest in activities.
- Anxiety, clinginess, or constant worry about a parent’s safety.
- Stomachaches, headaches, or other physical complaints.
- Falling grades or problems at school.
- Taking on adult roles, such as trying to protect a parent or care for siblings.
- Risky behavior, substance use, or unhealthy dating relationships in teens.
How to Help Your Child Heal
Children are remarkably resilient, especially when they have a safe, caring adult on their side. Here are some ways you can help:
- Make safety the priority: A safety plan that includes your children can help protect everyone in the home (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
- Tell them it’s not their fault: Children often blame themselves. Remind them that they did nothing to cause the violence and that it’s not their job to fix it.
- Listen without judgment: Let your child share their feelings, even if they’re confusing, angry, or still loving toward the abusive parent.
- Keep routines predictable: Regular meals, bedtimes, and school routines help children feel safe and secure.
- Avoid putting children in the middle: Try not to ask them to take sides, carry messages, or keep secrets.
- Reconnect through play and time together: Simple, positive moments can help rebuild trust and connection.
- Get professional support: A therapist who specializes in children and trauma can help your child understand and express what they’ve experienced.
What You Might Say
You don’t need perfect words. You might try: “What happened at home wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working hard to keep us safe. You can always talk to me about how you feel.”
Caring for Yourself as a Parent
Many parents feel overwhelming guilt about what their children have seen. Please know that the abuse is not your fault, and the fact that you’re looking for ways to help shows how much you care. Taking care of your own healing is one of the most important things you can do for your children, because safe, nurturing relationships with caring adults help children recover and thrive (CDC, 2026).
You may be dealing with your own trauma, depression, or anxiety, along with the stress of parenting through a crisis (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Getting support for yourself isn’t selfish. It helps you be the steady, loving presence your children need.
How Therapy Can Help
Support for Young Children
Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) is a treatment designed for children from birth to age 6 who have been exposed to violence, including domestic violence. The child and parent attend sessions together, focusing on strengthening their relationship and helping the child feel safe. In a study of young children who witnessed domestic violence, CPP reduced trauma symptoms and behavior problems more than the comparison treatment, and the improvements lasted months later (National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2012).
Support for School-Age Children and Teens
Older children and teens can benefit from therapy that helps them understand their feelings, manage stress and anger, build healthy relationship skills, and work through trauma in a safe, age-appropriate way.
Support for You
Therapy can also help you heal from your own experiences, manage guilt and stress, and learn ways to support your children. Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD in adults (American Psychological Association, 2025).
Psychiatric Support
If you or your child is struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if your child has been exposed to domestic violence, if you notice changes in their behavior, mood, sleep, or schoolwork, or if you’re struggling to cope yourself. It’s never too early or too late to get help, whether the violence is happening now or happened years ago.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help you and your children. You can start with something as simple as, “My kids have been through a lot at home, and I want to make sure they’re okay.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where children can be heard and parents can find guidance and support. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Child Was Asleep or Too Young to Remember. Were They Still Affected?
They may have been. Children often hear or sense more than adults realize, and even infants can be affected by the stress and fear in a home. Watch for changes in sleep, behavior, or mood, and consider talking with a professional.
Will My Child Grow Up to Be Abusive or Be Abused?
Not necessarily. Children who witness domestic violence are at higher risk, but many never experience or use violence in their own relationships. Support from caring adults and professional help can make a big difference.
Should I Talk to My Child About What Happened?
Yes, in a way that fits their age. Children often feel confused or blame themselves. Simple, honest reassurance that it wasn’t their fault and that you’re working to keep them safe can help. A therapist can guide you on what to say.
Is It Better to Stay Together for the Kids?
This is a deeply personal decision, and safety must come first. Research shows that witnessing domestic violence can harm children as much as being abused directly. Talking with an advocate or therapist can help you weigh your options and plan for your family’s safety.
What If My Child Still Loves the Abusive Parent?
That’s very common and normal. Children can love a parent and still be hurt by their behavior. Let your child have their feelings without judgment, and focus on keeping them safe.
Is What We Share in Therapy Confidential?
Therapy is generally confidential, with some exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child is being abused. Your provider will explain how confidentiality works, including for children, at the first appointment.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers who work with children and families, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026, March 2). About adverse childhood experiences. https://www.cdc.gov/aces/about/index.html
Hamby, S., Finkelhor, D., Turner, H., & Ormrod, R. (2011). Children’s exposure to intimate partner violence and other family violence (NCJ 232272). U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/232272.pdf
Kitzmann, K. M., Gaylord, N. K., Holt, A. R., & Kenny, E. D. (2003). Child witnesses to domestic violence: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(2), 339–352. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.71.2.339
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2012). CPP: General information [Fact sheet]. https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/interventions/cpp_fact_sheet.pdf
National Children’s Advocacy Center. (2017). Impact on children at different ages of witnessing intimate partner violence [Fact sheet]. https://files.calio.org/fact%20sheets/impact-of-witnessing-ipv-fact-sheet.pdf
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
