If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
You might find yourself checking your partner’s mood before you walk through the door. Maybe you’ve stopped seeing certain friends because it’s easier than dealing with the argument afterward. Or you tell yourself it isn’t that bad because they’ve never hit you. Abuse doesn’t always look the way people expect, and it can be hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of it.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to shine a light on how abuse affects individuals, families, and communities. First observed in October 1987, Congress officially recognized it in 1989 (National Network to End Domestic Violence, 2022). Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, income, or background (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Below, we’ll walk through what domestic violence is, how to recognize it, how it affects mental health, and how therapy and support can help you heal.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence, is physical, sexual, or psychological harm caused by a current or former partner or spouse (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). At its core, abuse is a pattern of behaviors one person uses to gain or keep power and control over a partner (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d).
Domestic violence is more common than many people realize. More than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the U.S. have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). It can happen in marriages and dating relationships, in opposite-sex and same-sex relationships, and between people of every background.
Abuse Isn’t Always Physical
Many people think of domestic violence as hitting or other physical harm, but abuse can take many forms. Common types include (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-d):
- Physical abuse: Hitting or other physical harm, restricting food or sleep, or keeping you from getting help.
- Emotional or verbal abuse: Insults, threats, monitoring where you go, cutting you off from friends and family, or making you doubt your own memory or judgment, sometimes called gaslighting.
- Sexual abuse: Pressuring or forcing you into sexual activity you don’t want.
- Financial abuse: Controlling your money, limiting your access to bank accounts, keeping you from working, or damaging your credit.
- Digital abuse: Using phones, texts, social media, or tracking apps to harass, monitor, or control you.
- Stalking: Repeatedly watching, following, or harassing you in ways that make you afraid.
Even without bruises, these behaviors can cause real, lasting harm.
Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Abuse can be hard to recognize, especially when it builds slowly or is mixed with loving moments. Some questions to ask yourself (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-e). Does your partner:
- Constantly criticizes you or makes you feel like nothing you do is good enough.
- Gets extremely jealous of your friends or the time you spend apart.
- Discourages you from seeing friends and family or keeps you from seeing them.
- Insults, embarrasses, or shames you, especially in front of others.
- Makes decisions for you, including about work or school.
- Controls the money or keeps you from having what you need.
- Pressures you into sexual activity you’re not comfortable with.
- Threatens you, your children, or your pets, or damages your belongings.
- Uses intimidation or weapons to scare you.
Even one or two of these behaviors can be a red flag that abuse may be present (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-e). If you find yourself walking on eggshells, changing your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger, or feeling afraid of how they’ll react, those feelings are worth paying attention to.
Domestic Violence Affects Men, Too
Men can be victims of domestic violence, but they often face extra barriers to getting help. From a young age, many boys are taught to hide their emotions. Men may worry that no one will believe them, that their experience will be brushed off or treated as a joke, or that there are no resources for them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
If you’re a man experiencing abuse, what’s happening to you is real, and it isn’t your fault. You deserve the same support and safety as anyone else. Abuse is about power and control, not physical size or strength.
Why Leaving Isn’t Simple
It’s common for people to ask, “Why don’t they just leave? The question usually comes from care, but it can hurt and invalidate survivors because it overlooks how complicated leaving really is. The answer is rarely simple. People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, including (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-f):
- Fear of what their partner might do if they leave.
- Shame or believing the abuse is their fault.
- Low self-esteem after ongoing criticism or blame.
- Depending on their partner for money, housing, or care.
- Concern for their children or keeping the family together.
- Cultural, family, or community expectations.
- Love for their partner and hope that things will change.
Staying is never a sign that someone wants to be hurt. Leaving is often a process, not a single moment, and support can help you think through your options at your own pace.
How Domestic Violence Affects Mental Health
Living with abuse takes a toll on both your body and your mind. Survivors are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and they’re also more likely to smoke or drink heavily (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.; Leemis et al., 2022).
Abuse can also change how you see yourself. You may feel afraid, alone, or ashamed, blame yourself for what happened, or struggle with low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). You might have trouble sleeping, feel constantly on edge, or keep reliving painful moments. These are common reactions to trauma, not signs of weakness.
Abuse can also lead to thoughts of suicide (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe space to talk about what you’ve been through without judgment. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your right to make your own decisions, and help you rebuild your sense of safety and control (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and feel more in control of your life.
Building a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Your therapist can help you create one and connect you with domestic violence advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
Couples Counseling and Abuse: What to Know
If your partner is abusive, couples counseling can put you in danger. In a couple’s session, you may be encouraged to talk openly about problems in the relationship. But an abusive partner may use what you share against you later, and you could face anger, punishment, or violence once you get home (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c).
Couples counseling also treats problems as something both partners create and share responsibility for fixing. Abuse doesn’t work that way. It’s one person’s choice to control another, and counseling can’t fix that power imbalance. An abusive partner may also present themselves well in session, shift the blame onto you, or convince the therapist that you’re the problem, especially if the therapist doesn’t recognize the signs of abuse (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c).
Individual therapy offers a safer, private space to focus on your own needs, sort through your feelings, and plan for your safety without fear of how your words might be used against you.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you fear your partner, feel like you’re losing yourself in the relationship, or notice changes in your mood, sleep, or self-esteem. You can also reach out if you’ve already left an abusive relationship but are still struggling with its effects. Healing takes time, and you don’t need to have everything figured out or be ready to leave to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I’ve been going through a hard time in my relationship, and I’d like to talk to someone.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, make sense of what you’ve experienced, and take steps toward healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is It Abuse If My Partner Has Never Hit Me?
It can be. Emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, and digital abuse are all forms of domestic violence. A pattern of control, fear, or put-downs can be just as harmful as physical violence.
Can Men Experience Domestic Violence?
Yes. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. Men are often less likely to talk about abuse because of stigma or fear of not being believed, but support is available, and you deserve to be heard.
Does Domestic Violence Happen in Same-Sex Relationships?
Yes. Abuse can happen in any intimate relationship, including same-sex relationships. Everyone deserves a relationship that feels safe and respectful.
Do I Have to Leave My Partner to Get Help?
No. You can start therapy whether you’re staying, thinking about leaving, or have already left. Your provider will respect your decisions and help you think through how to stay as safe as possible.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
What If My Partner Checks My Phone or Computer?
Phones, computers, and browsing history can be monitored, and online activity can be hard to erase completely (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). If you’re worried, consider using a device your partner can’t access, such as a trusted friend’s phone, and clear your browser history after visiting websites about abuse.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M.-j., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/124646
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-d). Types of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-e). Warning signs of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-f). Why people stay in an abusive relationship. https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (2022, September 1). Reflecting on our history and celebrating our future this fall. https://nnedv.org/?p=26096
