If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4653) or chat online at online.rainn.org (RAINN, 2026b). If the person who hurt you is a current or former partner, you can also reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788 (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.
Maybe it happened at a party, on a date, or with someone you’ve known for years. You didn’t fight back. Maybe you didn’t even say no. But something about it still doesn’t sit right with you, and you keep replaying it, wondering, “Was that sexual assault?”
If you’re asking that question, you’re not alone, and your feelings deserve to be taken seriously. Sexual assault can be confusing, especially when it involves someone you know or doesn’t match what you’ve seen on TV. It can be even harder to name when it happens with a partner or spouse, yet sexual assault in a relationship is a form of domestic violence. As part of our Domestic Violence Awareness Month series, we’ll explain what consent is, what sexual assault is, how sexual assault by a partner fits within domestic violence, how to make sense of your own experience, and how support can help you heal.
What Is Consent?
Consent is an agreement between people to take part in sexual activity (RAINN, n.d.-b). It should be clear, freely given, and ongoing. Healthy consent is:
- Clear: Shown through words or actions that make it obvious everyone wants to take part.
- Freely given: Not the result of pressure, threats, guilt, or tricks.
- Given by someone able to decide: A person who is drunk, high, asleep, unconscious, or under the legal age of consent can’t give consent, even if they say yes.
- Specific: Agreeing to one thing, like kissing, doesn’t mean agreeing to anything else.
- Ongoing and reversible: Anyone can change their mind at any time, and having sex in the past doesn’t mean someone agrees to it again (RAINN, n.d.-b).
Silence, not resisting, or freezing is not the same as saying yes.
What Is Sexual Assault?
Sexual assault is any sexual contact or behavior that happens without clear, voluntary, and informed consent. It can include (RAINN, 2026a):
- Unwanted sexual touching or fondling.
- Rape, meaning penetration without consent, or attempted rape.
- Forcing someone to perform sexual acts.
- Pressuring or manipulating someone into sex through threats, lies, guilt, or intimidation.
- Sexual activity with someone who can’t consent because of age, intoxication, disability, or being unconscious.
Force isn’t always physical. It can also be emotional, verbal, or psychological. And sexual assault is far more common than many people realize. Nearly half of women and more than 1 in 6 men in the U.S. have experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact in their lifetimes (Leemis et al., 2025). In about 8 out of 10 cases, the person who caused harm was someone the survivor knew, such as a friend, date, partner, or family member (RAINN, 2026a).
Sexual Assault by a Partner Is Domestic Violence
Sexual assault doesn’t only happen with strangers, acquaintances, or on dates. When a current or former partner or spouse forces, pressures, or manipulates you into sexual activity, it is sexual assault, and it is also domestic violence. Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, or psychological harm caused by a current or former partner or spouse (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Like all domestic violence, sexual violence by a partner is a way to gain or keep power and control in a relationship (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
This form of domestic violence is common. Almost 1 in 5 women and 1 in 13 men in the U.S. have experienced sexual violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime (Leemis et al., 2022).
Domestic violence that involves sexual abuse can include (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320; National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.):
- Forcing or pressuring you into sex or sexual acts you don’t want.
- Guilting you, sulking, or threatening to leave, cheat, or hurt you if you say no.
- Treating sex as something you “owe” because you’re dating, living together, or married.
- Initiating sex while you’re asleep, drunk, high, or otherwise unable to consent.
- Ignoring your limits or pushing you into acts you’ve said you don’t want.
- Refusing to use protection, tampering with birth control, or pressuring you to become pregnant, also known as reproductive coercion.
- Sharing, or threatening to share, intimate photos or videos without your consent.
Being married or in a long-term relationship never gives someone the right to your body. In California, the law no longer treats rape of a spouse differently from any other rape (Cortese, 2021).
Domestic violence that involves sexual abuse rarely happens on its own. It often appears alongside other forms of domestic violence, such as coercive control, emotional abuse, digital monitoring, or financial control. Because it happens within a relationship, many survivors struggle to see it as domestic violence, especially if they love their partner, have said yes before, or have been told that sex is part of their role. If your partner uses sex to control, punish, or frighten you, what you’re experiencing is not a normal part of a relationship. It is domestic violence, and you deserve support.
Was I Sexually Assaulted?
Many survivors struggle to put a name to what happened, especially when it involved someone they trusted. It may help to ask yourself:
- Did I clearly agree, in words or actions, to what happened?
- Was I pressured, threatened, guilted, or tricked into it?
- Was I drunk, high, asleep, or otherwise unable to make a clear choice?
- Did I say no, change my mind, or try to stop, and it kept going anyway?
- Did I go along with it or freeze because I was scared?
- Did it go further than what I agreed to?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, what happened to you may have been sexual assault. Legal definitions vary from state to state, but you don’t need a legal label to deserve support. If something felt wrong, your experience matters.
It Can Still Be Assault Even If…
- You knew the person, were dating, or were married to them.
- You had been drinking or using drugs.
- You didn’t say no, fight back, or try to leave.
- Your body responded physically.
- You didn’t tell anyone or report it right away.
Sexual violence is never the survivor’s fault (RAINN, 2026a).
Why Many Survivors Freeze
Many people believe they would fight back or run away if they were ever assaulted. In reality, freezing is one of the most common reactions. In one study of women who sought care after a sexual assault, 70% experienced significant tonic immobility, an automatic, temporary inability to move or speak (Möller et al., 2017). Freezing is your brain’s way of trying to protect you. It isn’t a choice, and it doesn’t mean you agreed.
The same is true for physical reactions during an assault. Arousal is an involuntary bodily response and doesn’t mean someone wanted, enjoyed, or agreed to what happened (RAINN, 2026b).
Sexual Assault Affects Men, Too
Men and boys can be sexually assaulted, and at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual violence. Yet men are much less likely than women to talk about it or report it (RAINN, 2026b). Stereotypes about masculinity, stigma, and fear of not being believed often keep male survivors silent. Many also struggle with questions like whether the assault makes them “less of a man” or what it says about their sexuality (RAINN, 2026b).
If you’re a man who has experienced sexual assault, what happened to you is real, and it wasn’t your fault. Sexual assault can be committed by anyone, regardless of gender, and you deserve the same care and support as any other survivor.
How Sexual Assault Affects Mental Health
Sexual assault can affect how you feel, think, sleep, and connect with others. Survivors face a higher risk of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression, especially those who froze during the assault (Möller et al., 2017; RAINN, 2026b). Some survivors also struggle with alcohol or drug use, suicidal thoughts, or difficulties in intimate relationships (RAINN, 2026b).
You might notice flashbacks or nightmares, feel constantly on edge, avoid people or places that remind you of what happened, or feel numb, ashamed, or angry. Some survivors blame themselves or replay the event over and over. These are common reactions to trauma, not signs of weakness, and they can get better with support.
If the Assault Was Recent
If you were assaulted recently, your safety and health come first. You can get a sexual assault forensic exam at a hospital or clinic to receive medical care and, if you choose, preserve evidence. DNA evidence is best collected within 72 hours. The exam should be free, you don’t have to report the assault to the police to have one, and you can pause or stop at any time (RAINN, n.d.-a). The National Sexual Assault Hotline can help you find a local hospital and an advocate who can go with you.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, private space to talk at your own pace, without judgment or pressure. You don’t have to share every detail to get support, and you don’t need to have decided whether to report the assault.
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you process painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and feel safer in your body and your relationships.
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, nightmares, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you keep thinking about what happened, feel unsafe or on edge, have trouble sleeping, are avoiding people or places, or notice changes in your mood, relationships, or sense of self. It doesn’t matter whether the assault happened last week or many years ago. You don’t need to be certain about what to call your experience to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “Something happened that I’m still trying to make sense of, and I’d like to talk to someone.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, understand your experience, and take steps toward healing at your own pace. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
I Didn’t Say No. Was It Still Assault?
It may have been. Consent means clearly agreeing, not just failing to say no. Many survivors freeze, stay quiet, or go along with it out of fear. Not saying no doesn’t mean you said yes.
I Was Drinking. Is It My Fault?
No. A person who is drunk or high may not be able to give consent. Choosing to drink is never an invitation for someone to take advantage of you, and the responsibility belongs to the person who caused harm.
Can It Be Assault If It Was My Partner or Spouse?
Yes. Being in a relationship or married doesn’t mean someone has permanent consent. Consent is needed every time, with every partner. Sexual assault by a current or former partner or spouse is also a form of domestic violence, and support is available for both the assault and the other ways a partner may be trying to control you.
Can Men Be Sexually Assaulted?
Yes. Men and boys can be sexually assaulted, and the person who caused harm can be of any gender. Male survivors deserve the same belief, care, and support as anyone else.
It Happened a Long Time Ago. Is It Too Late to Get Help?
No. Many survivors don’t seek support until months or years later. Therapy can help no matter how much time has passed.
Do I Have to Report to the Police to Get Help?
No. You can start therapy and get medical care without filing a police report. Whether and when to report is your decision, and your provider can help you think through your options.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
Find a provider · See accepted insurance · Contact us
References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Cal. Fam. Code § 6320. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=FAM§ionNum=6320
Cortese, D. (2021, October 7). Bill to end spousal rape distinction is signed by governor [Press release]. California State Senate. https://sd15.senate.ca.gov/node/317
Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M.-j., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/124646
Leemis, R. W., Zhang Kudon, H., Zhu, S., Smith, S. G., Chen, J., Friar, N. W., & Basile, K. C. (2025). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2023/2024 sexual violence data brief. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/media/pdfs/sexualviolence-brief.pdf
Möller, A., Söndergaard, H. P., & Helström, L. (2017). Tonic immobility during sexual assault – a common reaction predicting post-traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica Scandinavica, 96(8), 932–938. https://doi.org/10.1111/aogs.13174
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Types of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
RAINN. (n.d.-a). What is a sexual assault forensic exam? https://rainn.org/node/2194
RAINN. (n.d.-b). What is consent? https://rainn.org/node/3282
RAINN. (2026a, May 31). Get the facts about sexual assault & rape. https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-assault-rape/
RAINN. (2026b, May 31). Get the facts about sexual violence against men & boys. https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-violence-against-men-and-boys/
