If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.
You did it. You left. Everyone tells you that you should feel relieved, and some days you do. But other days, you find yourself missing them, checking the locks twice, or replaying old arguments in your head. You may wonder why you don’t feel better yet, or whether something is wrong with you for still caring about someone who hurt you.
Nothing is wrong with you. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the bravest things a person can do, and healing afterward takes time. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, we want survivors to know that the journey doesn’t end when the relationship does. Below, we’ll talk about what healing can look like, the feelings you may be experiencing, how to stay safe, and how support can help you rebuild your life.
Leaving Is a Beginning, Not an End
Many survivors expect to feel better as soon as they’re out. Instead, they’re surprised by how hard the aftermath can be. Abuse can affect your ability to trust others, connect emotionally, and recognize what’s healthy. These reactions are normal, and there is no set timeline for healing (loveisrespect, n.d.). Be patient with yourself. You’re not just leaving a relationship. You’re recovering from trauma.
Common Feelings After Leaving
Missing Your Former Partner
It can be confusing and even embarrassing to miss someone who hurt you. But it’s completely valid to still feel love for someone, and you are not at fault for their choices (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Many survivors experience what’s called a trauma bond, a powerful emotional attachment that forms when a relationship cycles between abuse and kindness (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Research shows that these bonds often continue after leaving, and they are strongest when the abuse came and went unpredictably and the balance of power kept shifting (Dutton & Painter, 1993). Missing your partner doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
Grief and Loss
Even when leaving was the right choice, you may grieve the relationship, the person you hoped your partner would be, or the future you imagined together. You may also grieve the loss of a home, friends, routines, or financial security. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it deserves space.
Fear and Hypervigilance
You may feel constantly on guard, startle easily, or worry that your former partner will show up. Some survivors feel more anxious after leaving than they did in the relationship, especially if their safety is still at risk. These are common responses to trauma.
Guilt, Shame, and Self-Doubt
You might blame yourself for staying as long as you did, for not seeing the signs sooner, or for how leaving affected your children or family. Abuse often leaves survivors with low self-esteem and self-blame (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). But the abuse was never your fault.
Relief and Mixed Emotions
Alongside the hard feelings, you may also feel moments of relief, freedom, or even joy. It’s normal to feel many emotions at once, and some days will be harder than others. Healing isn’t a straight line.
How Abuse Can Affect Your Mental Health After Leaving
The effects of abuse don’t always fade once you’re safe. Survivors are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). Research on women who had recently left abusive relationships found that emotional attachment to the former partner, low self-esteem, and trauma symptoms were closely connected, and they often persisted six months later (Dutton & Painter, 1993).
You might notice flashbacks, nightmares, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, or feeling numb. These are signs that your mind and body are still processing what happened, and they can get better with the right support.
When Abuse Continues After Leaving
For some survivors, leaving doesn’t end the abuse. A former partner may continue to harass you, make false accusations, or use the children to stay in control (Bates, 2019). They may show up unannounced, contact you through friends, or monitor you online. The period after leaving a highly controlling partner can also be one of the most dangerous times (Campbell et al., 2003).
That’s why safety planning remains important even after you’ve left. A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). Domestic violence advocates and legal aid organizations can help you explore options such as restraining orders and safe co-parenting arrangements.
Steps Toward Healing
Healing looks different for everyone, but these steps can help you begin:
- Put your safety first: Keep your safety plan up to date, and if you can, limit or end contact with your former partner. If you must stay in contact, such as for co-parenting, plan ahead for those interactions (loveisrespect, n.d.).
- Choose truth over promises: If your former partner reaches out with apologies or promises, focus on their past actions rather than the hope that they’ve changed (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
- Be kind to yourself: Notice negative self-talk and replace it with truths, such as “I did the best I could” or “I deserve to be safe” (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
- Reconnect with people who care about you: Reach out to trusted friends and family, even if you’ve drifted apart. Talking with someone you trust can help (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
- Care for your body: Rest, eat regularly, move your body in ways that feel good, and try to keep a consistent sleep routine.
- Rediscover yourself: Make time for interests, goals, and people that may have been pushed aside during the relationship.
- Get professional support: Individual therapy can help you process what happened and rebuild your life (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a).
Rebuilding Trust and Future Relationships
After abuse, it’s natural to feel nervous about dating or trusting someone new. There’s no rush. When you do feel ready, it can help to (loveisrespect, n.d.):
- Take time to heal first, ideally with the support of a therapist.
- Learn the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships.
- Trust your instincts and pay attention to behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
- Go slowly, and notice if a new partner pressures you to move faster than you want.
- Communicate your boundaries and watch how your partner responds.
- Meet in public places and let someone you trust know where you’ll be.
Healing for Men
Men who leave abusive relationships face many of the same struggles, along with some of their own. Research on men’s experiences found that abuse often continued after separation, including harassment, false allegations, and interference with their relationships with their children. Many men described living in fear, struggling with their mental health, and finding it hard to form new relationships (Bates, 2019). Men may also worry that no one will believe them or that there are no resources for them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). If you’re a man healing from abuse, your experience is real, and you deserve support.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, judgment-free space to make sense of what you’ve been through and begin to heal. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse wasn’t your fault, respect your pace, and help you rebuild your confidence and sense of safety (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and feel more at home in your own life.
Breaking Trauma Bonds and Rebuilding Self-Worth
Therapy can help you understand why you still feel attached to your former partner, manage the urge to reach out, and rebuild the self-esteem that abuse may have worn down.
Navigating Safety and Co-Parenting
If you’re still in contact with your former partner, your therapist can help you set boundaries, plan for difficult interactions, and connect with advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, nightmares, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you’re struggling to move forward, feel stuck in grief or fear, keep thinking about going back, or notice changes in your sleep, mood, or relationships. It doesn’t matter whether you left last week or many years ago. Healing can begin at any time.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I left an abusive relationship, and I’m having a hard time moving forward.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, process what you’ve been through, and rebuild your life at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that next step. You don’t have to heal alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Do I Still Miss My Abusive Partner?
Missing someone who hurt you is very common. Abusive relationships often cycle between harm and affection, which can create a strong emotional bond. Missing them doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice or that you should go back.
How Long Does Healing Take?
There’s no set timeline. Healing depends on many things, including the length of the relationship, your support system, and whether you still have contact with your former partner. Progress may come slowly, with good days and hard days.
Is It Normal to Feel More Anxious After Leaving?
Yes. Many survivors feel more anxious after leaving, especially if they’re worried about their safety or adjusting to big life changes. Therapy can help you manage anxiety and feel safer over time.
What If My Former Partner Is Still Harassing Me?
Harassment after leaving is a form of ongoing abuse. Keep a record of what happens, update your safety plan, and reach out to a domestic violence advocate or legal aid organization about options such as a restraining order. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
When Will I Be Ready to Date Again?
Only you can decide. Many survivors find it helpful to focus on healing first. When you do feel ready, take things slowly, trust your instincts, and pay attention to how a new partner respects your boundaries.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Bates, E. (2019). “I am still afraid of her”: Men’s experiences of post-separation abuse. Partner Abuse, 10(3), 336–358. https://doi.org/10.1891/1946-6560.10.3.336
Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., Koziol-McLain, J., Block, C., Campbell, D., Curry, M. A., Gary, F., Glass, N., McFarlane, J., Sachs, C., Sharps, P., Ulrich, Y., Wilt, S. A., Manganello, J., Xu, X., Schollenberger, J., Frye, V., & Laughon, K. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089–1097. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.
loveisrespect. (n.d.). Dating after abuse. https://www.loveisrespect.org/content/dating-after-abuse/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Identifying & overcoming trauma bonds. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
