If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.
Your partner tells you no one will believe you because “that doesn’t happen in relationships like ours.” They threaten to tell your family or your boss about your identity if you leave. They call you by the wrong name or pronouns when they’re angry, or tell you you’re not “really” gay, bi, or trans. You know something is wrong, but you’re not sure where to turn or whether anyone will understand.
Domestic violence happens in LGBTQ+ relationships, and it is at least as common as it is in other relationships (National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, it’s important to make sure every survivor knows that abuse is never okay and that support is available. Below, we’ll explain how abuse can show up in LGBTQ+ relationships, the unique tactics abusive partners may use, the barriers LGBTQ+ survivors often face, and how to find affirming support.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors one person uses to gain or keep power and control over a partner (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). It can include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and digital abuse, and it can happen in any relationship, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation (National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). Abuse is not about size, strength, or who is “more masculine” or “more feminine.” It’s about control.
How Common Is Domestic Violence in LGBTQ+ Relationships?
Research shows that LGBTQ+ people experience intimate partner violence at high rates. According to national data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the share of people who have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime is (Walters et al., 2013):
- 61% of bisexual women, compared with 35% of heterosexual women.
- 44% of lesbian women.
- 37% of bisexual men, compared with 29% of heterosexual men.
- 26% of gay men.
Transgender people face especially high risk. In the largest national survey of transgender people, 54% had experienced some form of intimate partner violence, and 24% had experienced severe physical violence by a partner, compared with 18% of the general U.S. population (James et al., 2016).
Abuse Tactics Unique to LGBTQ+ Relationships
LGBTQ+ survivors may experience the same forms of abuse as anyone else. But abusive partners may also use tactics that target a person’s identity, safety, or community (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.; National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.).
Threatening to “Out” You
Using your identity as leverage by threatening to reveal it to people who may not know (National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). For example, your partner might:
- Threaten to tell your family, employer, landlord, or faith community that you’re LGBTQ+.
- Threaten to share your HIV status or other private health information (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.).
- Use the threat of outing to keep you from leaving or seeking help.
Identity Abuse
Attacking, denying, or mocking who you are (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.; National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). For example, your partner might:
- Deliberately use the wrong name or pronouns, especially when angry.
- Tell you that you’re not “really” gay, bi, or trans, or that you’re “too much” or “not enough” of your identity.
- Use anti-LGBTQ+ slurs or tell you that your identity is the reason for the abuse.
Controlling Your Gender Expression or Care
Controlling how you present yourself or your access to gender-affirming care (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.; National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). For example, your partner might:
- Demand that you change your clothing, hair, or behavior to fit their expectations.
- Hide, withhold, or refuse to pay for hormones or other gender-affirming care.
- Interfere with your recovery after gender-affirming surgery.
Isolating You From Community
Cutting you off from the people and spaces that support you (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.). For example, your partner might:
- Keep you from seeing LGBTQ+ friends or going to community events.
- Spread rumors within your shared community that you’re the abusive one.
- Tell you that no one in the community will believe you or take your side.
Using Discrimination Against You
Taking advantage of real fears about discrimination (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.; National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.). For example, your partner might:
- Tell you that police, shelters, or courts won’t help you because you’re LGBTQ+.
- Use your own fears, internalized shame, or past experiences of rejection against you.
- Pressure you to stay closeted, or to be out before you’re ready.
Barriers LGBTQ+ Survivors Face
LGBTQ+ survivors often face extra obstacles to getting help (National LGBT Health Education Center, n.d.):
- Myths about abuse: Many people still believe that only men abuse or only women are abused, which can lead others, and even survivors themselves, to overlook what’s happening.
- Fear of discrimination: Survivors may worry that police, health care providers, or shelters will treat them with bias or hostility. More than half of LGBTQ+ survivors report indifference or hostility from police.
- Lack of affirming shelter: Almost half of LGBTQ+ survivors who sought shelter were turned away, nearly a third of them because of their gender identity.
- Being treated as equally responsible: In same-gender relationships, police are more likely to arrest both partners, and judges are more likely to issue mutual restraining orders.
- Small, close-knit communities: Survivors may share friends with their partner and fear losing their community or not being believed.
- Fear of the abuser using their identity: Threats to out a survivor can make reaching out feel risky (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action, n.d.).
Even with these barriers, support exists, and you deserve to find it. You deserve to be believed, respected, and safe.
How Domestic Violence Affects Mental Health
Abuse can take a serious toll on your mental health. Survivors are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), along with fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.). For LGBTQ+ survivors, these effects may be layered on top of discrimination, family rejection, or the stress of hiding parts of who you are.
When an abusive partner attacks your identity, it can make you question yourself in deeply painful ways. These reactions are common responses to abuse, not signs of weakness, and they can get better with support.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, confidential space to talk about what you’re experiencing. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your identity and your right to make your own decisions, and help you rebuild your sense of safety and self-worth (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Affirming, Judgment-Free Care
Affirming care is essential. You need a provider who respects your identity, uses your correct name and pronouns, and understands the unique dynamics of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships. It’s okay to ask a provider about their experience working with LGBTQ+ clients.
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through painful memories, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and reconnect with who you are.
Building a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). Your therapist can help you create one and connect you with affirming domestic violence advocates, legal support, and community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
A Note About Couples Counseling
If your partner is abusive, couples counseling is generally not recommended. Abuse isn’t a relationship problem that both partners create, and what you share in a session could be used against you later (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b). Individual therapy offers a safer place to focus on your own needs.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you feel afraid of your partner, if they use your identity against you, or if you feel cut off from your community. You can also reach out if you’ve left the relationship but are still struggling with its effects. You don’t need to be certain that what you’re experiencing is abuse to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I’m having a hard time in my relationship, and I need someone who will understand.” PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, affirming, judgment-free space where you can be heard, plan for your safety, and take steps toward healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can Abuse Happen in a Same-Sex Relationship?
Yes. Domestic violence can happen in any relationship, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. Abuse is about power and control, not size, strength, or gender roles.
Isn’t Abuse Between Two Women or Two Men Just Mutual Fighting?
Not necessarily. Healthy relationships can include conflict, but abuse is a pattern where one partner uses fear and control over the other. Sometimes survivors defend themselves, which can make the abuse look mutual from the outside. A trained provider can help you sort through what’s happening.
What If My Partner Threatens to Out Me?
Threatening to out someone is a form of abuse. You have the right to decide when and how to share your identity. An advocate or therapist can help you plan for your safety and think through how to protect your privacy.
Will I Be Treated Fairly If I Ask for Help?
You deserve respectful, affirming care. Unfortunately, some LGBTQ+ survivors have faced bias when seeking help. It’s okay to ask providers and organizations about their experience serving LGBTQ+ people, and to look for those who make you feel safe.
Do I Have to Leave My Partner to Get Help?
No. You can start therapy whether you’re staying, thinking about leaving, or have already left. Your provider will respect your decisions and help you think through how to stay as safe as possible.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment. Your provider will also respect your privacy, including about your identity.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
Find a provider · See accepted insurance · Contact us
References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action. (n.d.). Power and control tactics used in LGBTQI+ relationships. https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/power-and-control-tactics-used-in-lgbtqi-relationships/
James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). Executive summary of the report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. National Center for Transgender Equality. https://media.glaad.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/10045740/USTS-Executive-Summary-Dec17-3f0.pdf
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Types of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
National LGBT Health Education Center. (n.d.). Recognizing and addressing intimate partner violence in relationships of LGBTQ people: A primer for health centers. The Fenway Institute. https://www.lgbtqiahealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/TFIR-158_Intimate-Partner-Violence-Brief_web_spreads.pdf
Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/12362
