If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you think your phone or computer is being monitored, consider reading this article and reaching out for help from a safer device, such as a trusted friend’s phone (Federal Trade Commission, 2026). For free, confidential support 24 hours a day, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org.
Your partner always seems to know where you’ve been, even when you didn’t tell them. They bring up details from a private conversation you had with a friend. The lights in your home turn off on their own, or the thermostat changes while they’re away. You start to wonder if you’re imagining things, but something doesn’t feel right.
What you may be experiencing is digital abuse, and it’s more common than many people realize. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, here’s what you need to know about digital abuse, how to spot it, and how to safely protect yourself.
What Is Digital Abuse?
Digital abuse, also called technology-facilitated abuse, is the use of phones, apps, social media, smart devices, or other technology to harass, stalk, intimidate, or control a partner (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). It is a form of domestic violence. In California, controlling or monitoring a partner’s movements and communications is recognized as coercive control under the law (Cal. Fam. Code § 6320).
Digital abuse is widespread. In a national survey of domestic violence programs, 72% reported working with survivors whose abusers tracked their location through smartphones or other devices, and 75% reported abusers accessing survivors’ email or social media accounts without permission (National Network to End Domestic Violence, 2014).
Common Forms of Digital Abuse
Location Tracking
Tracking your whereabouts so your partner always knows where you are. For example, your partner might:
- Insist you share your location at all times, or turn on location sharing without asking.
- Hide a small Bluetooth tracker, such as an AirTag, in your bag or car (Apple, 2024).
- Check your car’s GPS history or fitness tracker activity to see where you’ve been (WomensLaw.org, 2024).
Stalkerware and Spyware
Stalkerware is software someone installs on your phone or other device without your knowledge. It can track your location, read your texts and emails, see your photos, and even record calls (Federal Trade Commission, 2026). For example, your partner might:
- Install a monitoring app while you’re asleep or in the shower.
- Hide the app under a harmless-sounding name like “System Service” (Federal Trade Commission, 2026).
- Use what they learn to show up where you are or confront you about private conversations.
Account and Password Control
Taking over or watching your online accounts (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). For example, your partner might:
- Demand your passwords or get angry if you change them.
- Log into your email, social media, or cloud account to read messages and see photos.
- Change your passwords to lock you out, or post as you without permission.
Smart-Home Devices
Using connected devices in your home to watch, frighten, or control you (WomensLaw.org, 2024). For example, your partner might:
- Turn lights, music, or appliances on and off, or set the thermostat to extreme temperatures.
- Use cameras or video doorbells to watch who comes and goes.
- Lock or unlock smart locks to keep you in or out of your home.
Constant Contact and Online Harassment
Using texts, calls, and social media to keep tabs on you or wear you down (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-c). For example, your partner might:
- Text or call nonstop and get angry if you don’t respond right away.
- Send threatening or insulting messages, or harass you through fake accounts.
- Post embarrassing information or photos of you online.
Image-Based Abuse
Sharing, or threatening to share, intimate photos or videos without your consent, including fake images created with AI. For example, your partner might:
- Threaten to send private photos to your family, friends, or employer if you leave.
- Post intimate images online to humiliate you.
- Create or share altered images that make it look like you appear in sexual content.
Warning Signs Your Devices May Be Monitored
Digital abuse can be hard to detect. Possible warning signs include (Federal Trade Commission, 2026):
- Your partner knows where you’ve been, who you’ve talked to, or what websites you’ve visited, without you telling them.
- Your phone’s battery drains quickly, it overheats, or it uses more data than usual.
- Your phone turns off and on by itself.
- Your partner has had unsupervised access to your phone.
- You find apps you don’t recognize or settings you didn’t change.
- Your phone alerts you that an unknown item has been found moving with you (Apple, 2024).
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to.
Why Digital Abuse Is So Hard to Spot
Digital abuse often hides in plain sight. Many people don’t recognize it as abuse, and it is rarely the first thing survivors report when they seek help. Because much of the technology works silently in the background, victims often discover it by accident (UNSW Sydney, 2026). An abusive partner may also brush off monitoring as concern or love, saying things like “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”
There’s a big difference between couples who choose to share their locations with each other and a partner who demands constant access, checks up on you, or punishes you for privacy. Healthy relationships are built on trust, not surveillance.
Protecting Yourself Safely
If you think you’re being monitored, it’s natural to want to delete the app or change every password right away. But suddenly cutting off access can alert an abusive partner and may cause them to escalate (Federal Trade Commission, 2026). That’s why it’s important to plan before you act. Here are steps to consider:
- Reach out from a safer device: Contact an advocate or the National Domestic Violence Hotline from a phone or computer your partner can’t access, such as a friend’s phone or a prepaid phone (Federal Trade Commission, 2026).
- Create a safety plan first: A safety plan is a personalized set of steps to help protect you while you work toward long-term safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-b).
- Document what’s happening: Save screenshots, messages, and notes about suspicious activity before you reset or replace a device (Federal Trade Commission, 2026).
- Review who has access: Tools such as Apple’s Safety Check let you see and stop location sharing and reset app permissions, either all at once or one at a time (Marketplace, 2022).
- Respond to tracker alerts: If your phone warns you about an unknown tracker, you can view its information, play a sound to find it, and get instructions to disable it (Apple, 2024).
- Secure your accounts: From a safe device, change your passwords and turn on two-factor authentication. If you replace or reset your phone, download apps fresh instead of restoring from a backup (Federal Trade Commission, 2026).
- Request removal of intimate images: Under the federal TAKE IT DOWN Act, covered websites and apps must remove nonconsensual intimate images, including AI-generated ones, within 48 hours of a valid request (Congressional Research Service, 2025).
Digital Abuse Affects Men, Too
Anyone can experience digital abuse, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Men may have their phones checked, their locations tracked, or their accounts controlled, but they often face extra barriers to getting help. Male survivors may worry that no one will take them seriously or that there are no resources for them (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.-a). If you’re a man experiencing digital abuse, what’s happening to you is real, and support is available.
How Digital Abuse Affects Mental Health
Feeling watched all the time can be exhausting. You may feel constantly on edge, second-guess every message you send, or pull away from friends to avoid conflict. Over time, controlling behavior like this is linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression (Lohmann et al., 2024). Survivors may also experience anxiety, fear, isolation, self-blame, and low self-esteem (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
You might start doubting your own perceptions or wondering if you’re being paranoid. These are common reactions to being monitored and controlled, not signs of weakness, and they can get better with support.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe, judgment-free space to talk about what you’re experiencing. A trauma-informed therapist will remind you that the abuse isn’t your fault, respect your right to make your own decisions, and help you rebuild your sense of safety and control (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Building a Safety Plan
Your therapist can help you create a safety plan that includes your technology, think through how to reach out safely, and connect you with domestic violence advocates, legal support, and other community resources (American Psychiatric Association, n.d.).
Healing From Trauma
Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive processing therapy (CPT), and prolonged exposure (PE) are strongly recommended for treating PTSD (American Psychological Association, 2025). These approaches can help you work through fear and hypervigilance, challenge beliefs like “It was my fault,” and learn to trust yourself again.
Support for Depression, Anxiety, and Sleep
If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or substance use, a psychiatric provider can evaluate your symptoms and talk with you about whether medication might help alongside therapy.
When Should You Reach Out?
Consider reaching out if you feel watched, can’t make choices without your partner knowing, or are afraid of what will happen if you set boundaries around your phone or accounts. You can also reach out if you’ve left the relationship but are still being contacted, tracked, or harassed online. You don’t need proof that your devices are being monitored to ask for help.
Getting Support at PAWC
If anything in this article sounds familiar, our team is here to help. You can start with something as simple as, “I think my partner is tracking me, and I don’t know what to do.” If you’re worried your devices are being monitored, consider contacting us from a safer phone or computer. PAWC-affiliated providers offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can be heard, plan for your safety, and take steps toward healing at your own pace. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, consider taking that first step. You don’t have to face this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is It Abuse If My Partner Just Wants to Know Where I Am?
Not always. Some couples choose to share their locations with each other, and that can be healthy when both people agree and can change their minds. It becomes abuse when sharing is demanded, done secretly, or used to control, threaten, or punish you.
Should I Delete Spyware as Soon as I Find It?
Not necessarily. Removing spyware can alert an abusive partner and may make the situation more dangerous. Talk with an advocate first, from a safer device, and document what you’ve found before making changes.
Can My Partner Track Me Through My Car or Smart Speaker?
Possibly. Connected cars, fitness trackers, smart speakers, cameras, and other devices can store information about your location and activity. If your partner set up or has access to these accounts, they may be able to see that information.
Is It Illegal for a Partner to Track Me?
In California, it is generally illegal to use an electronic tracking device to monitor someone’s location without their consent (Cal. Penal Code § 637.7), and monitoring a partner’s movements or communications can be considered coercive control. Laws are complex, so an advocate or attorney can help you understand your options. This article is not legal advice.
What If My Partner Threatens to Share Private Photos?
Threatening to share intimate images is a form of abuse. Federal law now makes it a crime to knowingly publish nonconsensual intimate images, and websites must remove them within 48 hours of a valid request. Save evidence of the threats and reach out to an advocate for support.
Is What I Share in Therapy Confidential?
Yes, with a few exceptions, such as when someone is in immediate danger or a child or vulnerable adult is being harmed. Your provider will explain these limits at your first appointment so you know what to expect.
How Do I Get Started With PAWC?
Reach out to our team, ideally from a device your partner can’t access, and share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can ask about providers, appointment availability, insurance coverage, and expected costs. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what to say before reaching out.
Find a provider · See accepted insurance · Contact us
References
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Domestic violence. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/domestic-violence
American Psychological Association. (2025, April). Treatments for PTSD. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
Apple. (2024, May 13). Apple and Google deliver support for unwanted tracking alerts in iOS and Android [Press release]. https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2024/05/apple-and-google-deliver-support-for-unwanted-tracking-alerts-in-ios-and-android/
Cal. Fam. Code § 6320. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=FAM§ionNum=6320
Cal. Penal Code § 637.7. https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaySection.xhtml?lawCode=PEN§ionNum=637.7
Congressional Research Service. (2025, May 20). The TAKE IT DOWN Act: A federal law prohibiting the nonconsensual publication of intimate images (LSB11314). https://www.everycrsreport.com/reports/LSB11314.html
Federal Trade Commission. (2026, June). Stalkerware: What to know. https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/stalkerware-what-know
Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O’Donnell, M., & Felmingham, K. (2024). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
Marketplace. (2022, June 15). A new digital tool that can help people in abusive relationships. https://www.marketplace.org/episode/2022/06/15/a-new-digital-tool-that-can-help-people-in-abusive-relationships
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-a). Men can be victims of abuse too. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-b). Plan for safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.-c). Types of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (2014, April 29). Technology abuse: Experiences of survivors and victim service agencies. https://nnedv.org/latest_update/technology-abuse-experiences-of-survivors-and-victim-service-agencies/
UNSW Sydney. (2026, September 11). Most domestic violence now involves tech, but support is missing. https://www.unsw.edu.au/newsroom/news/2026/09/most-domestic-violence-now-involves-tech-but-support-is-missing
WomensLaw.org. (2024, September 30). Abuse using technology: Ways survivors use and abusers misuse technology. https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/abuse-using-technology/ways-abusers-misuse-technology
